i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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