I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
