i can't believe i had my finger in that
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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