in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
