You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize