I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
