i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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