She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
