Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
