Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
