Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
