We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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