haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
