There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think my vagina is haunted
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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