So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sext me about skeletons
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
