I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
