Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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