im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
