White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
