Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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