Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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