my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
