I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
