There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
