Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
