What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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