i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
