A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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