Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
