sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
