I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
