Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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