For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
