I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
