I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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