So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
