I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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