i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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