I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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