Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
