That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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