watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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