so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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