how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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