I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize