Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
