ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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