Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
