Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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