We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
