I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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