I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
