walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
