i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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