Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
