One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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