Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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