Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
