'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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