is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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